She said the word “nigger” out loud, loudly, in the locker room. I wouldn’t even print the whole word here if she hadn’t said it out loud, so loudly. It makes me cringe, cower, not want to be in the conversation. But she has lived with it her whole life. It follows her like a shadow, without benefit of a sun to warm her. It is always there, even when silent, unspoken. Even when spelled like this “n****r” How can a white person begin to understand that? I don’t think that we can. But as I told her, we can move forward.
It is so hard to separate “what happened” from “what is still happening” from “what could/should happen”. I believe that we meet people, not by accident, but because we are supposed to. Call it Karma, fate, synchronicity, Devine intervention, whatever. We are here to learn from each other, contribute to each other’s future.
My friend has a story to tell. We all do. We have voices that may or may not be audible. She had such passion sharing her story with me today. She conveyed the feeling of what it was like to be a young black girl and feel safe. What it took, how she got there and why she still looks around her in the parking lot at night. I encouraged her to share her story with others. To write, express herself, find her voice.
This is not a sauna story, but we were about 20 feet from the sauna, and we referenced the sauna, so I’m saying it’s close enough.
I know this is hard to believe, but as I was drifting around the Y gym this morning mouthing the words that were being piped into my ear via my nifty and very multipurpose camera/MP3/Cellphone, Ursula informed me that I was NOT invisible. She said that unlike our animals (who frequently seem to believe that they ARE invisible) people can actually see me. And they can be horrified. But dignified enough not to show their horror.
She pointed out that some animals have camouflage and are naturally offered some level of protection in their habitat. She cleverly, and pointedly, reminded me that I was not native to the Wellness Center and therefore could not blend in with the exercise machines AND I was embarrassing myself, (and possibly her I thought), as she slithered away. [Ed. note: For the record , she did not "slither", but merely relocated to an adjacent machine. This correction is made not out of any undue pressure exerted by any unnamed offspring.]
LukeOK, Luke and Rufus and the sauna have nothing to do with each other. The sauna was just a nagging thing this morning at the Y. General question: What is the point of opening the sauna door (wide open), inserting your arm and asking “is it hot in there?”. I always want to say “it WAS”. But I don’t. This happens more often then I would like to share.
Rufus is gone. I brought him last week to the vet and watched him pass over to the other side. It was sad, I cried, and then it was over. It cost more to have both dogs cremated then it would for a whole new dog. Ru lived a long and pampered life. He had beautiful blue eyes that even in their last moments were clear and bright. It was his spirit that was gone. Life was a drag, his tumors were festering and moving around was a challenge. When I finally called the vet (we had been talking of this day since his last exam in August) they told me that he was going away Thursday afternoon until this week. If I wanted him to do “it”, I would have to come the next morning at 10 am. OK.Rufus seemed to know. He pretty much stopped eating and drinking and just looked at us, head on paws. We took some pictures, Bubbles took the last one on my cell phone which I’ll post in a second, and then I left with him. I came back alone, with a leash.
So now we are dogless, me, for the first time since 1983. How odd to have no canines needing my attention this morning. I brought back the most recent litter of SPCA puppies yesterday, so this is our first full day of doglessness. Which brings me to…Luke. That’s not really his name, that’s what we would name him if we get him. His name is “Lucky #5″ because he is lucky. Someone put a rubber band on his leg when he was a baby and it had to be amputated. He is absolutley beautiful and about 17 weeks old. We have applied to adopt him and drove 3 hours to meet him on Sunday. Full of spunk and attitude! A certain cure for doglessness.
This is Chance’s birthday. We love you. No matter what. (Not to be confused with endorsing your life right now).
Bubbles bored
This is what happens when you forget to bring your math book to the Y on a school day. You aren’t allowed to use the computer or the tv! You say that your mom is a meanie and that it’s not fair. You would have done your math but you forgot your book. Oh, say Meanie Mom and Ursula together, life’s not fair. Live and learn my child. Responsibility reaps benefits AND rewards.
I had the privilege, again, of sharing the sauna with an older woman who happens to have more melatonin in her skin than I do. I speak with her frequently, and when we are alone I so want to ask her if 40+ years ago she ever imagined that one day she would be sitting naked (or nearly) in a sauna with such a diverse crowd. I want to know if she had hope for the future or just dreams. My kids are afraid that I actually might ask her, but so far I haven’t. I am working on a piece called “Colored People” and she is one of the people I have in mind when I mull over this piece in my mind. Stay tuned.
Things that occur to me each day in the locker room after my workout. They may be useful tips for you or you may go “duh” and wish you could reach through your monitor and smack me upside the head.
1) Throw out socks with holes in them RIGHT THEN AND THERE. This will put an end to the “how did I get another holey sock” mystery. End the cycle. Throw them out before they get back in the wash, back in your drawer, and back in your gym bag, clean, but still holey.
2) Hook your bras up before putting them in your gym bag, smelly and ready for the wash. This ends the “how did I get snags on my clothes again” mystery.
3) Empty your pockets of tissues, gum wrappers and other debris BEFORE putting them back in your gym bag. This way you don’t wash, and dry, large gobs of what becomes lint on everything you own. In case you think this is a post just on preventative laundry tips, I am including this:
Look and listen to what goes on around you. Some of my best stories for the day come out of the sauna. More on this another time.
Bubbles
This is Bubbles working out at the Y. She is working hard feeding/training/admiring her cyber pets/penguins/whatever. The backstory is this; they are not allowed to use the computer before 3 pm at home, there are computers at the Y, so… if they come with me at 7 am AND do all of their math, they can use the computer at the Y until I am ready to leave. (We try and sneak in a little basketball too.) You can actually see her math book perched next to the computer.
